Unamused Ramblings

 In a few short hours, the stitches are coming out 🙌🏻 Honestly, it’s been a whirlwind two weeks. I never thought I’d get here where I’m almost feeling normal. The spasms are less, the pain is manageable, the sleep still sucks… but overall, I feel like maybe there’s some hope.  I’m still struggling to rotate my leg/knee (even in the brace) but I’m hopeful physical therapy will start soon and I’ll have my ROM back. Truthfully. I just want the stitches out. I want to shop wearing the stupid ace wrap because apparently I have claustrophobic tendencies that cause panic attacks in my sleep. Yep. I’ve woken up to the brace off more times than not in the last several days. It’s a journey.  This is a marathon, not a sprint. I find myself repeating this all the time. I’m not going to magically get better overnight. It took years of neglect and dismissal to get to this point. It’s going to take months of hard work to get things working again.  Fell asleep. Time to finish the ...

 Ok, so I haven’t fallen asleep but since technically this is getting published on 11/24, I am technically 11 days post op (but it feels like 10)  Anyway. There have been some highs and lows. I feel stronger and weaker at the same time.  I still wrap my knee and live in the ace wrap daily but I do take the brace off during the day for about an hour or so daily just to get some relief. My leg is forced at 30° which is basically straight and immobilized- that’s tough on me, mentally. So I feel that the mental benefits outweigh any potential negatives, permitting I’m staying in a rested position for the duration of my daily break.  Sleep still eludes me constantly. It’s rough- I can’t get outside easily, so the natural sunshine that helps to regulate my circadian rhythm is interrupted often. I do my best though. I sit by windows and set alarms- anything to help boost that sleep cycle.  I can officially get out of bed myself- though occasionally, I do find myself se...

 I made it! I’m one week post op.  Last week, coming home from surgery, the struggle to get in the car, the house, the bed…. Could not have imagined how far I’ve come this week.  I keep telling myself over and over again: it’s a MARATHON, not a sprint.  I’ve cried so much this week. So so much. The last time I cried this much, I was probably pregnant or enjoying a new baby or grieving. Seriously.  But, I’m trusting the process. Trusting my care team. Trusting my body.  After my shower today, I took some time out of brace, bandage, and wrap to look at my knee. It’s different than I remember. Hopefully, the scar will fade and I won’t be so sad when I look at it in the future. The stitch work is …. Well, it’s not pretty like my stitching but it’s not too bad.  I tried to just focus on the healing and ignore the ugly bits.  Rest Ice Compression Elevation  Rice method for the win, I guess… because I was able to TIGHTEN the brace a little today. ...

 Last night, after reading 15 different orthopedic surgeon follow up instructions for MPFL surgery, I decided to escape the brace for a little bit.  To be clear: my only instructions were to leave it on for three days, then shower- which I followed. However, pre surgery, the PA shared that I would probably be in the brace for about 6 weeks.  So, after deciding the risk was worth it, I removed the brace. I remained resting, with my leg elevated, and enjoyed the freedom of no constraints of movement other than the discomfort from surgery. It was not just nice, but needed for my soul. The mental toll these restrictions have taken on me are just too much at some points. I’ll take the wins when I can get them.  As I am officially one week post op, I find myself reflecting on surgery. I woke that morning full of hope and nearly no nerves. I was grateful that I had been heard and validated and all of the things I’ve already written about. Despite my positive attitude, thing...

 Healing is hard work. That means it hurts sometimes…. Because it’s HARD.  I’ve come so far in less than a week, but it’s hard work trying to heal. It’s just hard. I hate complaining. I hate crying. I hate feeling like it’s this horrible thing happening to me because there truly are people who have it worse.  Yet, this is HARD. I’ve given birth to a 9#5oz baby with no interventions and this is harder than that.  I managed a shower today. I managed a short (assisted) walk to the living room. I even managed to get my leg out of the shower alone. So many small wins and yet, those wins have a price.  I want my leg to move the way I tell it to, when I tell it to do it. I want to bend my knee. I want to chase my kids and hold them. I want to cook for my family and sew for my children. I want to stop counting my day by how long until the next dose of medication.  I want to be healed.  If I’m being 100% honest, I want to go back in time at any point in the las...

 Last night I had a panic attack. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t move. All I knew was my brace and wrapping had to come off and it had to come off NOW.  I lay, silently crying, waiting for the panic to pass.  After a few minutes, I felt things subsiding and I was able to breathe through my panic and woke up my husband for some assistance. I’m pretty good at taking all the wrappings off, not so good about putting them back on.  He waited patiently for an hour, until I felt calm enough to be trapped and confined into immobilization again and gently wrapped my knee back up.  I stayed awake for a few hours, trying to breathe and remind myself this is only temporary. Eventually I won’t have to be constrained and I’ll be able to move again. It’s the loneliness that gets me. Being stuck on bed rest means no visitors and no sewing. I stay in my room, resting, sleeping, trying to forget about the pain and hoping things get better.  I’ve done a lot of research on my ...

 Today is supposed to be the worst day before things magically start to get better. Tomorrow I get to shower and I’m looking forward to it. I’m itchy and feeling gross- so even just a quick shower sounds very appealing to me.  My husband showed me pictures of my surgery last night. Dr G took plenty of them while he was in there. The amount of arthritis and bone shards covering my kneecap was shocking. No wonder I’ve been in so much pain for so long. I wasn’t promised a miracle by a long shot, but I was told he’d do is best. After all, that’s why doctors practice medicine - they’re always learning, always growing, nothing is ever the same way twice.  I’ve been trying to stay up on the meds to keep on top of the pain. I think the worst part is when I try to bend my knee and then I remember, I’m in an immobilizer and I can’t do that just yet. For the most part, I feel ok. There’s a lot of pressure around my knee, which obviously makes sense. I don’t like when I have to get u...

 It’s done. I survived. I made it through.  It was a little more intense than they were expecting but Dr G did a great job fixing me up.  Now I have to learn to rely on others to help meet my needs. It goes against every fiber in my being to rely on others. As wife and mom, it’s usually my job to take care of everyone. I’m their comfort, their heart, their home…. And yet, I find myself needing to be comforted- wanting my own mother to sit with me and stroke my hair.  Alas, at 36 year olds and 5 states away, that seems impossible to get. I guess it’s true that you never stop needing your mom, no matter your age.  There’s so much I’d like to remember about today - but just as many things I’d like to forget. I’d love to forget the pain and tears and dizziness. I’d like to remember the kindness my nurse showed me - and truly all the staff except for the recovery room nurse … she felt agressive to me but it could just be me misremembering due to my medication. My hus...

I keep thinking “in ‘x’ hours, this will be over and then the hard part can really begin”   How many nights have I cried myself to sleep because the pain wouldn’t stop? How many nights have I wondered if I should just cut off my leg? (I wouldn’t, but I definitely thought about it)  If just one person had listened to me… had trusted me… had HEARD me - would I even be here in this moment? The moment where I hope I’ll be able to divide my life into two parts.  Before …. And after.  In the before, where I am now, I find myself nervous. A little anxious. Slightly excited- but mostly just wondering. Wondering what I’ll feel like in the after. I don’t expect to feel great in the early stages of the after - but I truly hope in a month or two, after is going to feel really nice.  I talked to my mom for an hour today. I told her how I was exhausted of constantly defending this surgery and having to explain that this isn’t like other knee surgeries. I won’t be super mobile...

  When I was in middle school, I injured my knee. My parents can’t remember the initial injury. We can’t remember my exact age. What we can remember, is that that injury would be the catalyst for a decades long life of pain.   In high school, I ended up in physical therapy for at least 2 out of 4 years. In college, I would find myself in another 12-15 weeks of PT for a mysterious injury of my knee.  Post college, I did what I could, living with the pain, despite my many prayers for healing. Eventually, I just learned to deal with the pain and did my best to ignore the constant dislocations, swelling, and discomfort. I was able to live semi-normally, working out, and enjoying life.  All that changed 10 years ago. I started working more physically demanding jobs, and it led to pain that soon couldn’t be ignored. For the first few years, I would go to urgent cares and ERs, begging for MRIs and answers. I would be told the same thing, over and over again.  “It’s bur...