Small Win

 Last night I had a panic attack. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t move. All I knew was my brace and wrapping had to come off and it had to come off NOW. 

I lay, silently crying, waiting for the panic to pass. 

After a few minutes, I felt things subsiding and I was able to breathe through my panic and woke up my husband for some assistance. I’m pretty good at taking all the wrappings off, not so good about putting them back on. 

He waited patiently for an hour, until I felt calm enough to be trapped and confined into immobilization again and gently wrapped my knee back up. 

I stayed awake for a few hours, trying to breathe and remind myself this is only temporary. Eventually I won’t have to be constrained and I’ll be able to move again. It’s the loneliness that gets me. Being stuck on bed rest means no visitors and no sewing. I stay in my room, resting, sleeping, trying to forget about the pain and hoping things get better. 

I’ve done a lot of research on my surgery too. What recovery looks like, what to expect in the coming weeks, and generally just trying to find some semblance of normalcy despite my current situation. Nothing helps. 

Anyway, after getting some rest, I managed to convince myself to leave my brace and wrapping alone, instead giving in to the demands of my body and taking some OTC pain relief as well as utilizing ice packs to help with the discomfort. 

Up until now, I’ve needed assistance just moving in the bed, let alone trying to get out of bed to use the bathroom or just …. Breathe. I decided to try to get up by myself. I knew I’d need help to get back in the bed, but if I could just find some shred of dignity and independence, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad for the rest of the day. 

I did manage to get up alone and get to the bathroom, despite needing help to get back in the bed. Maybe it’s not a very big win,  but it’s a win I needed for today. 

I had a few people check in on me - only a handful of people have been in the know since the beginning. Mostly medical friends, I relied on their knowledge in the early days and now it’s just comforting to talk to people who don’t personally understand but can understand the medical jargon and break things down. Plus, I like their company - even if it is online and not in person. 

I feel like today was probably the hardest day of all - and that includes trying to take a shower yesterday. Today was the day when I felt like I was breaking in my soul. I don’t know that it’ll be any easier in the coming days. All the medical blogs and papers and research and first person accounts may not ever prepare me for what I am going through. 

But today, I got off the bed by myself and I only cried a little. So I think it’s a win and one I’ll hold tight to for the rest of today and maybe even tomorrow.