Before and After

I keep thinking “in ‘x’ hours, this will be over and then the hard part can really begin”  


How many nights have I cried myself to sleep because the pain wouldn’t stop? How many nights have I wondered if I should just cut off my leg? (I wouldn’t, but I definitely thought about it) 

If just one person had listened to me… had trusted me… had HEARD me - would I even be here in this moment? The moment where I hope I’ll be able to divide my life into two parts. 


Before …. And after. 

In the before, where I am now, I find myself nervous. A little anxious. Slightly excited- but mostly just wondering. Wondering what I’ll feel like in the after. I don’t expect to feel great in the early stages of the after - but I truly hope in a month or two, after is going to feel really nice. 


I talked to my mom for an hour today. I told her how I was exhausted of constantly defending this surgery and having to explain that this isn’t like other knee surgeries. I won’t be super mobile for a couple of weeks. All the mom toks and research and videos have explained that for about a week, all I’ll be doing is going to the bathroom and then getting back in bed. The surgeon even explained how it’s important for the scar tissue to build up, so the anchors for the replacement ligament can attach and heal properly. 


I’m nervous about having to do nothing - I don’t like doing nothing. I get bored easily. My mom told me to catch up on my reading, to catch up on TV shows. My brain doesn’t like to shut off though. 

I hope my kids give me grace. I hope I can give them grace. We all have a lot of tension and nerves tonight. 


Tomorrow will be the after. I can do this. 

  

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