Unamused Ramblings

 Today was my first physical therapy appointment. I told myself not to cry, but I cried. I’m very emotional when it comes to me life and having to repeat how I ended up here in the first place.  My therapist, T, is very kind and understanding. He laughed when I shared an anecdote from my therapy days as a stubborn high schooler. I am thankful for a good care team- I’m going to need it.  My exercises were simple, but exhausting. I came home and fell asleep within a couple hours. My knee is also hurting a lot.  My 4yo came with me to therapy today and offered to hold my hand while I was doing some of the exercises. He can be so sweet when he wants to be.  This is a short update today, mostly because I’m very very tired. I’ll try to write more tomorrow 

 In a few short hours, the stitches are coming out 🙌🏻 Honestly, it’s been a whirlwind two weeks. I never thought I’d get here where I’m almost feeling normal. The spasms are less, the pain is manageable, the sleep still sucks… but overall, I feel like maybe there’s some hope.  I’m still struggling to rotate my leg/knee (even in the brace) but I’m hopeful physical therapy will start soon and I’ll have my ROM back. Truthfully. I just want the stitches out. I want to shop wearing the stupid ace wrap because apparently I have claustrophobic tendencies that cause panic attacks in my sleep. Yep. I’ve woken up to the brace off more times than not in the last several days. It’s a journey.  This is a marathon, not a sprint. I find myself repeating this all the time. I’m not going to magically get better overnight. It took years of neglect and dismissal to get to this point. It’s going to take months of hard work to get things working again.  Fell asleep. Time to finish the ...

 Ok, so I haven’t fallen asleep but since technically this is getting published on 11/24, I am technically 11 days post op (but it feels like 10)  Anyway. There have been some highs and lows. I feel stronger and weaker at the same time.  I still wrap my knee and live in the ace wrap daily but I do take the brace off during the day for about an hour or so daily just to get some relief. My leg is forced at 30° which is basically straight and immobilized- that’s tough on me, mentally. So I feel that the mental benefits outweigh any potential negatives, permitting I’m staying in a rested position for the duration of my daily break.  Sleep still eludes me constantly. It’s rough- I can’t get outside easily, so the natural sunshine that helps to regulate my circadian rhythm is interrupted often. I do my best though. I sit by windows and set alarms- anything to help boost that sleep cycle.  I can officially get out of bed myself- though occasionally, I do find myself se...

 I made it! I’m one week post op.  Last week, coming home from surgery, the struggle to get in the car, the house, the bed…. Could not have imagined how far I’ve come this week.  I keep telling myself over and over again: it’s a MARATHON, not a sprint.  I’ve cried so much this week. So so much. The last time I cried this much, I was probably pregnant or enjoying a new baby or grieving. Seriously.  But, I’m trusting the process. Trusting my care team. Trusting my body.  After my shower today, I took some time out of brace, bandage, and wrap to look at my knee. It’s different than I remember. Hopefully, the scar will fade and I won’t be so sad when I look at it in the future. The stitch work is …. Well, it’s not pretty like my stitching but it’s not too bad.  I tried to just focus on the healing and ignore the ugly bits.  Rest Ice Compression Elevation  Rice method for the win, I guess… because I was able to TIGHTEN the brace a little today. ...

 Last night, after reading 15 different orthopedic surgeon follow up instructions for MPFL surgery, I decided to escape the brace for a little bit.  To be clear: my only instructions were to leave it on for three days, then shower- which I followed. However, pre surgery, the PA shared that I would probably be in the brace for about 6 weeks.  So, after deciding the risk was worth it, I removed the brace. I remained resting, with my leg elevated, and enjoyed the freedom of no constraints of movement other than the discomfort from surgery. It was not just nice, but needed for my soul. The mental toll these restrictions have taken on me are just too much at some points. I’ll take the wins when I can get them.  As I am officially one week post op, I find myself reflecting on surgery. I woke that morning full of hope and nearly no nerves. I was grateful that I had been heard and validated and all of the things I’ve already written about. Despite my positive attitude, thing...

 Healing is hard work. That means it hurts sometimes…. Because it’s HARD.  I’ve come so far in less than a week, but it’s hard work trying to heal. It’s just hard. I hate complaining. I hate crying. I hate feeling like it’s this horrible thing happening to me because there truly are people who have it worse.  Yet, this is HARD. I’ve given birth to a 9#5oz baby with no interventions and this is harder than that.  I managed a shower today. I managed a short (assisted) walk to the living room. I even managed to get my leg out of the shower alone. So many small wins and yet, those wins have a price.  I want my leg to move the way I tell it to, when I tell it to do it. I want to bend my knee. I want to chase my kids and hold them. I want to cook for my family and sew for my children. I want to stop counting my day by how long until the next dose of medication.  I want to be healed.  If I’m being 100% honest, I want to go back in time at any point in the las...